Alive!!!

Well, I haven't been up to talk much lately... please forgive me for being away for so long. There are not many news, except that I am more comfortable with the swimming thing now, and it doesnt bother me so much. Actually, I could even face going for 5 times a week instead of the current 3. But that would be too much for me right now, so I think I will wait a little more.

On the other hand, I am very tired. tired of the fucking college that teaches nothing and is a very heavy burden to carry on, tired of the job that squeezes my life out with very little retribution, tired of never winning the lottery, these things.

Things will be fine, though. In some months I will be able to breathe a lot more comfortably. I just wish sometimes that I would be called to work somewhere else, in Europe or North America, but there isnt really any good chance of that happening. I am kinda bored with the things around here, and I know that, however I still got some room left for me to grow in, it is very restricted.

Don't you sometimes look in the mirror and think of how big of a failure you are? And don't come with me with that "there are lots of people worse than you" bullshit. Others being worse don't make me any better. I sometimes believe that there is a greater purpose, that I am to do something big, to make a difference... well, as I turned out not to be a chemist, I wont be the discoverer of the cure for AIDS or Cancer. As I am not an archaeologyst, I won't discover the real cradle of life, or the lost link. As I am not...
well, let's hold on to what I am then. I am a Support Analyst, I work with computers, planning and implementing server topology and network structure on a medium level. I am not the guy who can get a telephone and talk to a modem. What of big can I do? discover an extraordinary command-line for fdisk? Or find out how to configure a complex linux server when there are tons of other people much, much better than me out there? I dont think I can be of much importance that way. I might be just "one more", just one of the masked, faceless black ninjas who pop out of every freaking hole on hong-kong movies.

I kind of understand the wish of having children, of propagating your lineage, of trying to make your son/daughter better than you were, teaching your mistakes beforehand. However, I don't feel at all any desire of doing so. I think the world is a way too wicked place to put a child in. This child wouldn't deserve to be brought here.

It is my rational opinion that, if I want to have a baby, it is for one of two reasons: 1. I want to raise a child, tender him, watch him grow, make of him a good person, or 2. I want to propagate my gene pool.
It is my sincere belief that option 2 is narcisysm, whilst option 1 would be highly tolerable to adoption. Therefore, if I really want to have a child, I would adopt it. If I am not ready to adopt, then I am being foul and selfish, and therefore not worthy of having this baby.

Don't know... just a couple of thoughts :)